This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
