ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Randomize
