when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
