Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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