i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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