every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
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