and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
