Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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