Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
