bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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