I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Randomize
