omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
