please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
