Screwed.edu
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
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