I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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