Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
