This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
