he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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