a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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