I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
