I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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