just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
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All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
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I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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