I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
