its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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