You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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