Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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