You work out of a Hotel?
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
