You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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