My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
