In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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