"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Randomize
