I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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