It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Randomize
