Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Randomize
