Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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