you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
