I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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