my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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