so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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