I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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