Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
