News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize