It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
