I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
