I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
