he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..