I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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