god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
