you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
