We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
