I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
