dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
