I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
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