So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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