I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Randomize
