So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
