i barfeds in our rink
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
