Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
