I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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