On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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