I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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