She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
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I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
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I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
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