It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
