what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
