We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
