I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Randomize
