Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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