just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
